Copywriter Blues

Fiction writing is great. Sometimes it’s hard work, and sometimes the internet shoots its destract-y tentacles right into your eyegaps, and sometimes a bad review slides down the Google chute and into your testicles, but overall it’s a wonderful experience. Novels, short stories, the occasional screenplay or hilarious sex-related haiku.

Copywriting is . . . less great. It’s essentially lies and flim-flam wearing an evening gown. But they give you money for it, and you can use that money to purchase foodstuffs and roofs and the like.

The following excerpt is every piece of copywriting I’ve ever done, boiled down to one digestible scrap of text. It comes from a place of genuine pain, which is always funny. Enjoy.

SeaLife Cameras

“SeaLife Cameras are cameras that function well around sea life. They take pictures of underwater things with their ability to take pictures of underwater things. The cases are made of sturdy case-making materials, including high end plastics, probably some metals, maybe wood, fuck I don’t know. Anyway, they use lenses to bend light, and some kind of film or diaphragm to take that focused light and make pictures. Those pictures can be seen by any functioning human eye! Wow! That human eye transmits signals to the human brain, which realizes that the picture probably isn’t real. This owes to the eye’s ability to notice details like whether or not an image has a third dimension, or if the person is drowning or if they’re just looking at a picture of a coral reef. These pictures create an emotional response in the person, such as sadness, happiness, thrift, etc.

You can trade currency to obtain a SeaLife camera at any appropriate commerce outlet. They will take your currency (which represents value, whether backed by gold or unbacked, depending on the nature of your nation or island republic’s economy) and give you the product you desired. In this case, a SeaLife camera. This camera runs on electricity, obtained through the three grouped-together holes located in most walls. Unless you’re in Europe or Scandinavia or something, then the holes are all fucked up and non-standard. Still, electons are zipping around there like crazy, and you can just stick some metal in there to get some!

Remember to use the buttons on the camera to activate various desired functions. These buttons are comfortably button-shaped, and may produce effects upon pushing.

WARNING: Eating a SeaLife camera may damage internal organs, but will film the whole thing in high definition, so its not all bad.”

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Categories: Diary | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

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